Lost It and Weep
by Spike-nummy
Summary: Spoilers for Season Six through "Entropy." There are a lot of hurt feelings between Buffy and Spike. This is my viewpoint on how I wish things would turn out.


Note: This is my wish for how things would turn out after "Entropy."  
  
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Lose It and Weep  
  
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Spike looked at the door with trepidation. //So much for being the Big Bad.// He'd rather face Angelus on a bad hair day than having to face the tiny  
  
blonde on the other side of that door. Taking a deep, unnecessary breath, he knocked.  
  
The door opened to reveal the petite Slayer, nervously plucking at the seam of her hip-hugger jeans.  
  
//Cor, she looks gorgeous!// He wished that he could reach out and hold her but knew he'd be risking his unlife and probably some personal bits that he was rather fond of.  
  
Buffy looked up at the blonde vampyre. "Hey," she said softly. "Thanks for coming." Her eyes slid away from him.  
  
"Red said you wanted to see me. Just one question. Are the words Dust Buster involved?" Spike inquired, partly kidding, but mostly not.  
  
She gave a small, sad laugh, shaking her head. "No, I'm not up to dusting anything right now." Buffy gestured towards the porch swing. "Why don't we sit over there?"  
  
They walked over to the natural wood swing, sitting at completely opposite ends. After a minute she used her bare foot to set the swing in motion.  
  
Not able to look at him, she softly asked, "Was the thing with Anya to pay me back for breaking things off between us?" Her voice broke on the last word.  
  
He looked at her in surprise. "No! I would never have deliberately tried to hurt you…" he paused "…not like that, at least."  
  
Buffy nodded briefly, acknowledging his statement.  
  
Spike saw her jaw clench and her eyes close for a moment before starting to speak.  
  
"I didn't ask you to come over here so I could bust your chops for what happened between you and Anya." Spike saw a tear slowly roll down her cheek. He reached over to wipe the tear away.  
  
Shaking her head she raised a hand, motioning him to stop. "Please, no." He pulled his hand back. "Let me finish."  
  
"I have no right to say anything about what you do or did. I was the one who called things off between us. You're a free agent…"  
  
"Buffy, I had no right…"  
  
"You had every right."  
  
His jaw dropped in surprise. //Bloody hell! Never saw that one coming!"  
  
"I just wanted to warn you to stay away from Xander for awhile. You've never exactly been his bestest friend and now with this thing with Anya… You're pretty much helpless against him with the chip in your head." She took a deep breath and continued. "I tried to talk to him, but he's as mad at me as he is with you."  
  
"What's Droopy Boy mad at you for, pet? You didn't do anything to him." Spike said in disbelief. He turned sideways on the swing, facing her.  
  
Buffy gave a wry smile. "I slept with you. Everyone kinda figured out there was something between us when they saw my reaction to seeing you make love…" her voice hitched, "…to Anya." Her eyes closed. She wearily pinched the bridge of her nose with her fingers.  
  
Spike reached for her hand, rubbing her knuckles with his thumb. "We didn't make love, pet. We shagged. There's a difference. Anya wanted to hurt Xander for leaving her at the altar. She may be Anyanka again, but for whatever reason, she isn't able to use her vengeance powers against him. She knows how much I can't stand the bloody wanker and came to me to find a way to get back at him. We started drinking to drown our sorrows and, well, one thing led to another." He placed his finger under her chin, gently moving her head to face him.  
  
"We were hurting, pet. We'd both been dumped by the people we loved." Beautiful sapphire-blue eyes met and held reddened hazel ones. "I'm sorry you saw what happened and am sorry for hurting you, but you hurt me, too. You thought I was good enough to shag, but not good enough to tell your friends about. You were afraid what they might say. I was your dirty little secret. I understand that you're afraid to love someone, pet. Let's face it, you've not had the best of luck with your men."  
  
Buffy snorted. "That's the understatement of the year!"  
  
Spike continued. "I'm not them, Buffy. I don't have a soul to lose, I don't want to just add another notch to my headboard, and I don't get suck jobs from vampyre trulls. You and I may bicker and fight, but that just makes things more interesting. You think you want normal, but there's nothing normal about you or your life, Goldilocks. You're the Slayer. You're a bloody strong woman in every way possible, and I'm the only one who can match you. I love your strength. You don't need to hold back with me."  
  
"I love you, Buffy, more than I ever knew it was possible to love another person. I would never leave you. Not for anything. Dru and I were together for over a hundred years until she left me after I helped you to fight Angelus."  
  
"You were right to call things off between us, Buffy. If I can't have all of you, I'm better off having none of you. It hurts too much otherwise, to know you're ashamed of me…"  
  
Buffy looked at the sad, lovesick vampyre, cupping his cheeks in her tiny hands. "I am so sorry for what I've put you through, William. So sorry." Hot tears poured down her cheeks. "Ever since I came back you have done nothing but be there for me. The only time I ever felt anything was when I was with you. It didn't matter if we were fighting with each other, patroling or sleeping together. You made me feel."  
  
Spike reached out a cool, white hand, gently rubbing her shoulder, letting her finish.  
  
"You tried to stop me from harming myself, first with the dancing demon and then again after Warren killed Katrina. I beat you up in the alley…" she squeezed her eyes shut, trying to escape the picture in her mind of what she had done to him. "Everything that I said that night was directed towards me, not you. I was the one who was dead inside. I was the one who couldn't feel anything." She clasped her hands in her lap, nervously twisting her ring.  
  
"Ever since we met I've never been able to hide things from you. You said that Angel and I were never friends. You were right. Parker, well, the less said about him, the better. And then there was the fiasco with Riley." She shook her head, then turned sideways on the swing, facing him, their knees touching.  
  
"Once again, you were right. I thought I wanted normal, needed normal. I didn't, and don't. I guess I really do want some monster in my man."  
  
Startled blue eyes met hers, a glimmer of hope appearing.  
  
Buffy leaned forward and placed a small, sweet kiss on his parted lips. "You're not a 'thing,' Spike. You never were. You are a man in every sense of the word. An infuriating one at times…" she laughed softly. He grinned and raised his hands as if to say "Well, what can I say?"  
  
"You're not 'convenient.' You are quite possibly the least convenient person that I have ever met."  
  
"You love with everything you have inside of you. You hold nothing back. You stay around when other people would have ran."  
  
Buffy looked down at her lap, took a deep breath, and then met his gaze head on.  
  
"You've made me face how I feel, whether I wanted to or not. I guess it's time to let the real Buffy come out and play. I'm tired of being the Buffy everyone else wants."  
  
"But what do you want, luv?"  
  
"You, Spike. I want you."  
  
Buffy watched as his jaw clenched, tears gathering in his eyes.  
  
"It's not enough, pet. I can't go on hiding in the shadows, only being brought out when you have an itch that needs scratched or when the Niblet goes on walkabout. It just hurts too much." He moved as if to get up from the swing. Buffy put a restraining hand on his arm.  
  
"You didn't let me finish." She lithely moved to sit on his lap, facing him, her legs on either side of his. She twined her arms around his neck. He looked at her, uncomprehendingly.  
  
"What I'm trying to say, Spike, is that I love you." Joy and disbelief crossed his face. //Is this a dream? If so, I bloody well hope I don't wake up!//  
  
Spike's arms moved behind Buffy, pulling her flush against his chest.  
  
"Somehow you snuck in and captured my heart." She took his hand and placed it above her heart. He could feel the steady beat of it against his palm.  
  
"It wasn't until I saw you with Anya that I realized how much I cared for you. It wouldn't have hurt that badly if I didn't have deep feelings for you."  
  
"I want you in my life for however long I have. You know that Slayers have a short shelf life. All I know is that I want to spend that time with you."  
  
Absolute joy appeared on his face. His hand cupped the back of her head, pulling her in for a deep kiss. Both blondes were breathing heavily when it ended.  
  
"I love you, Buffy, and that's forever. I can't promise that things will always go smoothly between us…"  
  
"I think that's pretty much a given, Spike," she laughed. He grinned.  
  
"But I can promise you that I'll always be here for you and Dawn."  
  
Buffy reached into the back pocket of her jeans and pulled out a key, handing it to him.  
  
"What's that, luv? The key to your heart?"  
  
"Well, that too, but it's a key to the house. I want you to live here, Spike. If---if you want to, that is," she said hesitantly.  
  
"Just to be clear, pet, as a roommate or as a lover?"  
  
"In my room, in my bed. No more hiding anything from anyone."  
  
He stood up abruptly, Buffy held securely in his arms. He walked to the front door and stopped.  
  
Buffy looked up at him, her love for him easily apparently in her eyes.  
  
"Come in, Spike."  
  
~fin~ 


End file.
